Yesterday’s events had both Scott and I glued to the TV until early this morning, (I fell asleep sometime during the arguing in the house about Pennsylvania). So today has me sluggish, still sad and angry but optimistic that the majority of our senators and representatives respect democracy and the voice of the nation. Something I personally needed to see… not just from what unfolded yesterday but from the past few years.
I wrote last Fall about a nation divided… and unfortunately what we witnessed yesterday has us all realizing just how divided we still are. I saw it in my Facebook feed… friends and loved ones angry and appalled on both sides. I saw others still trying to see the good in the President and unfortunately still spouting his lies.
I’m saddened at where this country has turned. Saddened about a President who doesn’t hold his office with respect. This isn’t just about democrat vs republican, this isn’t just about race or gender, or black lives and blue lives, this isn’t just about religion, this isn’t just about a virus. It’s all of it. You can’t keep thinking it’s one cause… it’s so many.
How do we move forward? Seeing democracy continue last night was a start. I know that I can listen, learn, respect and love. I’m not an expert and never pretend to be but those things seem to be a next step.
It’s no secret that I’m an introvert. The beginning of the pandemic was a nice reprieve for me. No constantly needing to talk to people and make them my friend while in the store and the tiredness that happened after getting home. Being able to take time without people…I was in heaven. I was home. I was reading, doing puzzles, baking, cooking, watching movies and looking after my family all with coffee in hand. It was wonderful.
Sure, as time started to drift on I missed shopping, I missed friends and oh boy did I miss concerts. But it was okay, I was okay. I was never good at the reaching out to people even close friends let alone acquaintances. My fear of no one actually liking me kicking in and why would they… I’m quiet in conversation. That thinking is a dangerous spiral for me and has and can cause some anxiety and fear.
In May when I went back to work I realized that the pandemic had taken its toll on me. The fear of catching covid and the potential of giving it to any of my loved ones and the claustrophobia of mask and glove wearing day in and day out with no sign of reprieve had me in tears and had my body shaking. The 20 years of retail had done it’s toll too. So with Scott reassuring me that we’d financially be okay I left the workforce. Not forever, just for now. And time to give my next career some thought.
The summer brought me wanting to reach out to people… I tried in vain some days… as now I wasn’t working but others were and plus a pandemic had us all scared of doing anything. So I stayed mostly sheltered and stopped reaching out and since people weren’t reaching out to me that must mean they don’t like me… told you can cause some mental blockage.
Not working this Fall has given me the time to focus on helping my teen navigate her Junior year amidst a pandemic. Which is several blog posts in itself. It isn’t easy for a strong willed teen and this passive mom. It isn’t easy when the strong willed teen loses all sense of motivation and can’t get passing grades. It isn’t easy when mom and teen butt heads each day causing tears on each side. When the lies and excuses mount and deciphering where lies end and truth begins is a full time job. It’s also hard on my psyche when I’m already feeling dejected and alone. What I’ve learned is plan. Have a planner… map out assignments and have twice daily check-ins. Plus read through each completed assignment… the turning in of non existing work needs to stop. I’ve also learned she will soar and fail in her own way. Mom can only help guide what she wants me to help with. Sorry, as I said many posts could be written (or have been started many times) about our struggle with school.
When not feeling overwhelmed by my inability to help my teen with school I occupied myself in redecorating and refurbishing different parts of the house and have fleeting thoughts of being a decorator… maybe… starting with friends and family. I like finding new things and imagining where it would fit in the house or space.
My reading and baking went on the wayside for awhile as I felt baking wasn’t as fun and added more calories into our lives (by this point I’d gained 15 pounds since March). Which also didn’t help my self esteem because if I did see an old friend I imagined their thoughts about my weight. Mentally my thoughts weren’t in a good place and that’s hard to overcome. What I’m learning: I don’t like my weight where it is but I’m not doing anything to change it at the moment. So instead of trying to fit into the jeans and feeling sad that I didn’t. I bought a bigger size. It’s not me giving in to being heavier. It’s me realizing this is where I am at the moment and it’s okay. I will get back to yoga or dance at some point but right now I need to feel better about me and that’s having clothes that fit. Which also makes me not as self conscious when I see friends.
I’ve also learned I’m not an online concert person. I tried and did enjoy at the beginning of the year but as the year went on it just reminded me of the things we can’t do… and of times past. Of singing all together… the atmosphere, the energy and of friends. So instead of making me feel alive it was making me feel more sad, more alone and more depressed. A prerecorded concert… that was doable since it wasn’t meant to be live. The theater productions have been pretty awesome too. Mostly because for the theater buff that I am I was maybe lucky to see a show a year so I’ve gotten more this year than most.
I’ve also learned that I don’t like trying to be social through online platforms. I can’t stand having a camera on me. Plus the need to try and hold conversation… which I’m not good at anyway. I’m the person who sits quiet and listens and maybe pipes in occasionally… that introvert side. Plus with lag of internet connections I get overwhelmed and annoyed. It also reminds me further of the lack of togetherness. So I choose not to do those types of things and seclude myself further.
What I need to get better at… cultivating friendships. Yes, I’m horrible at reaching out and then have a hard time with responses of yes, let’s grab coffee soon(I give that response too). But then time goes on and we don’t. So, I’m going to get better at continuing to reach out… step outside that wall I’ve created.
I need to get better at my self worth. It’s hard to not see each fault, each flaw and each shortcoming as a mom, wife, daughter and friend and mold that into who I am… I am more than that. Maybe this year I’ll listen to that. I am more.
With love… I miss you… till coffee can be shared again…
