This was the title of yesterday’s post that is written and won’t be posted. Partly because it’s complaining, partly because I couldn’t figure out how to explain the past few days without in-depth commentary that wasn’t needed.
So, to start again…
This mornings cup is the reminder that… It’s Okay, I’m Okay.
I have had a rough few days that had me breaking down at physical therapy on Tuesday. Full-on sobs break down. I’ve been emotional at PT, but never tears and never needing to leave because it was too much for me and my body handle. Kelly, my physical therapist, reminded me that it’s okay, I’m okay. That I should count today as a success… I was motivated to be there… even though my body was betraying me. I still made it there, and I tried.
It’s a mindfuck when the reasons for my pain have nothing to do with MS. Silly, I know, not like I lived 42 years without the MS to blame or anything. Still, sometimes it’s hard to handle that MS isn’t always my roadblock.
I carried that ideal with me the rest of Tuesday and when I started writing yesterday. I am Okay. There will be days that are harder than others, days that I feel useless. There will be days that it takes all my energy to do simple things. Some of those bad days might not even have anything to do with MS… like this week. Then there will be days that are good or even great. I need to remember to know my limits, rest as needed, and then get back up.
My first cup this morning may or may not have been with another one of our desserts from our dessert tasting the other night.
The first cup was after gathering up the laundry, sorting and then starting a load. I tend to start the coffee brewing while I do other things while I wait… letting the aroma fill the house. Then go back and pour myself a cup.
I let the aroma fill my soul as I breathed in. The first sips were amazing and paired with the black tie cake…mmm. Yeah.
I did fall asleep fast last night… on Scott’s shoulder… on the couch. I don’t know when I stirred enough to realize I needed to be in bed, but that was my only goal. I had a hard time getting myself to bed, and my poor husband came to my rescue. The pill had taken full effect, and I stumbled and tripped and collapsed on the steps, not being able to voice anything because all I could think was ‘I just need to get into bed’. The cloudiness of deep sleep. He got me into bed, and then I felt like I was on fire from heat (tempature sensitivity is a constant struggle as I think I was freezing maybe an hour before)….coughing like crazy, not able to cool down… he came to my rescue again, grabbing my puke bin as he knows me coughing too much, has the potential for me gagging. Poor guy, he’s still asleep as I’m sure my state last night kept him up for a while. I am so grateful for him. I will give him kisses and thank him when he wakes for taking such good care of me. I wish I could say this won’t happen again, but we both know the unpredictable nature of MS and my fatigue… it sucks.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the above as it’s things that are scary and some of the real side of MS. I may look fine, I may look normal and even able to be social like I was earlier in the day yesterday. But my body is constantly fighting against me. Constantly struggling. It also puts so much emotional and physical strain on my loved ones too.
But, I will continue to fight and I will continue to get myself back up.
My second cup, now almost gone and now cold, saw me change the laundry, pick up a bit and then start some research. I’m in planning stages for something I’ll announce later this week.
I am going to go grab myself another cup, change the laundry again and listen to my happy acoustic celtic music as I plan.
This morning’s coffee was on the go again. 2nd crazy early morning this week.
Today, we’re at a robotics scrimmage in Colorado Springs. Scott has been a mentor at DRHS with their robotics club and just accepted an assistant coaching job. Today is the scrimmage leading up to the State Competition in the middle of March.
This is my first time seeing not only a scrimmage but their robot. Something I’m learning: Chaos is just a thing in this robotics team. You wanna know what I’m not okay with… yep, you guessed it… Chaos.
So, I’m just gonna sit in the bleachers and listen to the music of the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. There has been a lot of Journey, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Guns & Roses and the like going through the speakers. Not that I mind, I’m amused… like, there’s been nothing from this generation’s era of music.
We are halfway through the scrimmage at this point… DRHS robot… still getting worked on and hasn’t made it out of the pit and onto the playing field. From my very limited understanding… this is semi normal and okay. I have caffeine, so I’m good.
I am one with the caffeine. It’s fine, I’m fine. Do you see the music… no? What… um… yeah…me neither.
Anyway, I’m here for a bit still, and there are rumors I might get to see my favorite toddler. When in the Springs, I need to see if Caleb and Little Miss Lauryl are available.
The above is what I got written before I got a happy visit…
…I got to see Little Miss! We had fun playing out in the courtyard, where I found out rocks really are a girls best friend and I got to catch up with my friend/ work son. Caleb worked with me at Lakeshore and we became fast friends because of our mutual love of all things geeky. It is so awesome to see him be the best Dad ever! I love this sweet girlie of his so much!
SOMETIMES FAMILY JUST CHOOSES YOU
Love these two bunches! ❤️
After playing with Lauryl, it was nap time… I wish I could have gone and taken a nap, too. Lol. But I went back in and was able to watch the team get the robot at least working enough that they were able to drive it on the playing field. So that’s cool. We’re hoping that after a long day of a not working robot and not being able to participate in the components of the scrimmage maybe the kids will have a better focus come next week and get the robot working for the state competition.
So now we’re home. We opted for a tasty dinner consisting of our amazing leftover Tuscan Chicken Pasta that I made on Thursday with a glass of wine for dinner. Which was totally the right call, so tired. We’re both in pj’s, and I’m hoping I’ll be asleep by 9. That would be awesome, right? Considering no matter how hard I try, I’m lucky to be asleep before midnight even if I take my pill by 7.
Photo from Thursday… still looked and tasted just as good as it did then.
Yep, tired. I hope you had amazing cups today. Peace, Love and Sleep, my friends ❤️
Today’s first cup was while I looked through events and updated my Google calendar.
My second cup had a couple gingerbread cookies dunked in it… sooo good. Then finished while I wandered around the house with no real motivation and trying to stave off the cold feeling. Yes, I know it’s warm outside, but this cold comes from being tired. The so tired that you shiver cold.
Is that 3 blankets? Yes, yes, it is. Am I still cold? Yes, yes, I am.
My third cup I succombed to my tired, turned on the fire and nested into blankets. Then, after getting comfy, I needed to go potty (always seems to happen). Then I wandered around more… forgetting about the coffee and blankets. But realizing the tireds again and my foot is dropping with each step, I’m now back on the couch nested in blankets. My cold cup abandoned on the side of the couch because I don’t want something cold. I think this is where I’ll stay for a couple hours, maybe I’ll let my eyes close and maybe then I’ll wake feeling rested or at least less tired and warmer.
On a side note: There’s many things since my diagnosis that have me question how long I’ve actually had MS. It’s a natural process of wanting to know if there were warning signs that could have helped discover it before it got bad. One of those is the drop foot. Although now it’s very pronounced and happens not just when I’m tired. But looking back, I’ve had issues with my foot dragging with severe tiredness for years. Was that a warning sign… maybe, maybe not. Is it my brain trying to rationalize the many flaws of my body through the years… probably.
I love that I have no obligations today, and after finishing decorating yesterday, I don’t have a pressing need to get things done around the house. So I’ll rest for a bit and then maybe go on a walk this afternoon if the tiredness has subsided.
I’m thinking of hosting a movie party for myself tonight. Popcorn, candy, and some wine. Yep. I have no clue what movie, but I like the idea of watching something on purpose.
For now though… rest. May your cups be filled with Love and Warmth today. ❤️☕️
This morning’s cup was to go. At oh so early (like the sun was only just showing the pinks and purples, early) on my way to a networking meeting, and then I finished my cup during the meeting.
As some of you know, I work part-time from home as an office assistant for Silver Sparrow Photography . Sunshine, the lead photographer and owner, belongs to a BNI networking chapter that meets every Thursday at 7 at a church clear across the metro area. She was not able to attend, so I went in her absence.
If you know me, you probably know these 2 things. I don’t like peopling, like introvert through and through. Which is strange since my career for 21 years was retail. But I also have a very good customer service demeanor and can be social if the situation is needed. Second thing: I’m totally not a morning person anymore… I don’t need to be. Heck, half the time, I’m in pj’s until way into the afternoon. So the fact that I was up, dressed, looking FIERCE, and out the door before 6:25 this morning was awesome.
My eyes tell the story of up too early when sleep was crap though.
Part of going to the meeting is doing a 30-second presentation/commercial for our company. Today, I read a recent review and then asked anyone who has used our services to give us a review on Google. We are 2 away from having 100 5⭐️reviews on Google.
Sunshine joined this group in August. I’ve subbed for her a handful of times now, and my nerves aren’t as bad talking in front of the group as they once were. Today was more people about a 100, I think, as it was specifically designed for visitors to check out the chapter and network with current members to see if they’d like to apply for membership with this chapter.
I did a bit of asking questions of my own before leaving as one of the companies does screen printing. I’m thinking of having t-shirts done up for the MS walk I’m going to do in May. Not sure yet what I’m looking for, but I was curious if it needed to be a big bulk order. Leaving the meeting, I was feeling a bit more awake… plus, the sun had been up for a couple hours now, so that helps.
My eyes still look a bit tired, though
I love living on the West side of town because that means more often than not, I get to drive towards the mountains to get home. You know, it never gets old, I’ve lived here more than half my life and I still get awestruck by how beautiful they are, especially when there’s snow on them. I did not take a photo, I was focusing on driving and the person going 5 under the limit on the highway in the left lane. But still, my view was amazing.
Getting home, I needed to pose for Scott as I was very proud of how FIERCE I looked in my business casual look. It’s fun feeling confident in clothing.
I love my jewelry cabinet mirror! Makes great fashion show selfies at home.
Do you see my boots? I’m in love… ok, you need a better look…
Snakeskin high-heeled booties
I bought them last June. It was before my diagnosis, but right as the feeling in my feet started to go away. Not that I was telling anyone yet… I was too scared and worried and wasn’t sure if maybe I just tweaked something. Anywho, it was a shoe shopping extravaganza with my friend Kat where I found them. They were (as were most the shoes) outside my norm. We had a blast and I bought a ton of shoes! I might now have a shoe obsession.
Last year’s shoe crazy day
Fast forward to today… it’s the first time I wore them. And I not only love them but I rocked wearing them. Do you have a shoe obsession? I think I’ve only now started one because I can finally afford to have shoes that are for fun and fashion rather than function, and let’s be honest, I’d wear functional shoes into the ground… and then some. There’s still a few I should toss from rotation. Oh well, it’s a process, I guess.
But enough about shoes… here it is, just past noon. I’ve done a little bit more work since being home, but I totally should make myself the most kickass salad for lunch and get on with my day before Scott’s hockey game tonight.
So, for now, enjoy your cups today (I’m downing the last of my cup now) .
Today’s first cup was at my computer. I wanted to make sure I checked the work things before getting sidetracked.
Then I went down a rabbit hole for a bit, trying to understand insurance benefits, then cleaning up email until I found the email for the portal login for the infusion center… then rabbit hole again.
I forgot about the coffee… tends to happen when I sit at my computer. I did at least remember to start the bedding in the washer. When the washer stopped, I looked at my now cold coffee and downed the rest of the cup.
Now, the second cup, well, let’s just say I’m savoring the tastes of coffee and chocolate.
Last night, Scott and I finished the tiramisu, and I mentioned how I wasn’t fond of the other 2 smaller desserts for “our tasting party” from our family Valentine’s dinner. He mentioned, ‘imagine having it with coffee’. Mmm, he was right.
The second cup is downed, and the cake is now smaller.
Third cups might give me motivation and energy to do some decorating and take down the Valentine’s and set St. Patrick’s Day. I may be throughly entertained that the sign Scott gave me for Valentine’s Day is not only reversible but is true. Cuz, I’m cute, kissable and Irish! Maybe it’s the Irish part that makes me FIERCE.
Ahhh, I’m so in love withmy new pillows and blanket!
Can we talk about how awesome my new pillow is? Like, I’m giving you a choice, Ha. I think I might leave it out year round. What do you think? Also, if you had a hard time pronouncing, check out the video below.
Sláinte (health)
Ok, third cup is almost gone… caffeine is flowing. Thankful for the caffeine today as sleep was rough. Tried something new… it failed and made sleep worse… we won’t talk about that. I’ve started the dryer again (thick comforter means extra dry time), and now maybe I’ll bring the decorating bins in from the garage.
Enjoy your cups today… Sláinte… to your health. 🍀☕️❤️
If you just sang that in your best Fiddler on the Roof impression… you are my kind of people. This morning’s cup was part of me reminiscing of years past mixed with being thankful for traditions we still uphold.
Last night was our family Valentine’s dinner.
It’s a tradition we started 14 years ago, the year after we bought the house, we started it for a couple of reasons. After living in 2 separate households for the first 5 years of Ashlynn’s life we wanted to have traditions that were the 3 of us. We also wanted to install some basic etiquette for fancier dinners. The dinner morphed over the years, (probably when we got smart phone cameras) to a fancy dinner and then a photo shoot afterwards. This is where we could show the proper and then the goofy. As I look back through the photos it might be my fault for the goofy photos… I think it was my way of getting Ashlynn to have a genuine smile.
One of the first dinners captured on camera (2014).
Now that Ashlynn has her own apartment we don’t see her as much. It’s a little harder for this momma as things are definitely different. But, I love that she is finding her own path and living her own life. Some of our traditions that we started as we started our family have been lost through the years as we grew out of them. So when I asked Ashlynn early in January if she would still like to do a family Valentine’s dinner I wasn’t sure if this would also be a tradition of the past… she was all about it.
It was the scheduling piece that almost didn’t have our dinner happen. The weeks leading up to Valentine’s had Scott’s & my schedule pretty full and I was trying to include Tony (Ashlynn’s boyfriend) into the mix but his schedule had weeknights off the table. So, Valentine’s Day came and went and we still didn’t have something on the books. I finally gave up trying to get all schedules to jive and instead opted for 2 dinners: Our family of 3 Valentine’s dinner and then a family dinner in March with Tony.
We had a great night last night filled with fun conversation as we made food (also part of the Valentine’s tradition, all 3 of us in the kitchen). We had wine/sparkling cider and tasty rosemary bread dunked in olive oil, garlic and pepper as we prepared salad, spaghetti and french bread. We then sat and had a mostly candlelit dinner and then opened presents and cards. Opting for our photoshoot before dessert.
We’re totally normalWhy this became a thing, I don’t know, but here we are confident and goofy in our femininity Who does it best?
Most of the details around our dinner have stayed the same through the years. Always there is spaghetti and bread and some type of dessert (although there’s been years we are either too full or tired for the dessert) and always by dim light/candlelight. I can’t remember when Ashlynn started helping us in the kitchen, but we tend to take some predinner photos in the kitchen.
Kitchen Selfie 2020Kitchen Selfie 2019 (If this dress looks familiar, you are right! It’s my dress worn in our 2014 photos.)
I also can’t remember when I started realizing that making my own bouquets of flowers was cheaper than a dozen roses around Valentine’s day but there were a few years Ashlynn helped me design our flower arrangements.
Valentine Flower Arrangements 2019
Something else that has also been flexible through the years is the date we chose to celebrate. Between Scott’s graveyard shifts back then and my retail schedule, it was rare that we celebrated on the holiday. We opted to have a family dinner rather than a couples dinner as trying to find 2 days to celebrate was hard back then.
Valentine’s2015- where the goofiness started to show
As I’ve combed through the photos from our family dinners through the years, I am so happy that we started this tradition all those years ago. I also feel so blessed that we can celebrate with each other this year.
After having a couple nights of fun, my body needed the couple days of recovery. My Giving Myself Grace post made me realize that it’s okay to not do the things. However hard it is for me to look at the things that need to get done and to just let it be. Even a shower on Friday was too much… and that was okay.
I woke up yesterday feeling less sore, less fatigued, and more like me. Which meant my brain was in let’s Get Shit Done. But also very cogniscent of taking it easy.
Yesterday’s cup full of hope of GSD
I had a productive morning of laundry and picking up before going out with friends for lunch and shopping.
My energy level was waining a bit after getting home yesterday evening, and Scott getting home shortly after me from his day at GenghisCon, also looked a bit haggard. We opted to go get food for dinner and then become one with the sofa for the rest of the night.
Today, my plan is to clean the downstairs (bathroom, vacuum, maybe dust) and finish up the laundry. Then tomorrow: the same thing for upstairs, plus also go to the store and prep things for our family Valentine’s dinner tomorrow night.
Self Affirmation Cup or Compliment Cup for the person I’m drinking coffee with depending on which hand I have it in.It’s official, I AM AWESOME, I AM FIERCE
As it’s now going on Noon, I’m realizing that my GSD list is just that, a list. It’s okay if not everything gets done. My sister-in-law taught me years ago to make sure that on any to-do list you write, you add “write to-do list” somewhere on the list. That way, even if the only thing you accomplish is writing the list, you still get to check something off. Thanks, Sam!
So for now, I’ll watch my show while I fold laundry and go from there. Happy mid-day cups, my friends! ❤️☕️
After my profound words in my post about being FIERCE. I was feeling empowered and wanting to continue my week with that same ferocity I went into date night with.
Here’s what I’m still learning about MS: when I’m fatigued… everything is harder. I know that sounds normal as most people don’t function their best when they are tired. But here’s where I find the difference. The fatigue causes me to lose words and trains of thought, my vision is slightly blurry, my joints and nerves hurt, my fingers are more numb or there’s no feeling, my (right) foot drops more causing it to catch on pavement/stairs/etc, my balance is questionable and my gait widens, causing a limp. All from being fatigued.
The other difference: the fatigue and symptoms continue for days. I wake up just as tired or more tired than when I went to bed. Tuesday was our date night. Wednesday, I wrote my post about being FIERCE interspersed with a little bit of work and wanted to continue my week with that same tenacity.
I had a late lunch consisting of a healthy salad, and though tired, I went for a walk in the neighborhood as exercise is good. On my walk was when I really started to realize my body was working against me. My foot had issues picking up, finding the pavement, and trying to trip me. Another indicator, which I hadn’t put together (my feet had stumbled on the stairs as I was preparing to leave for my walk).
Getting home, I rested a bit before my shower. Partly because Scott had just gotten out of the shower and our water heater needed time to warm water for my shower. But also because I now had realized I was mid MS fatigue flare but yet still had a night of festivities planned. I had 2 hours: to rest, shower, and get ready before we were expected at the neighbors for dinner before going to The Nuggets game.
After my 30-minute rest, I interrupted Scott (he was on a work meeting), letting him know I was going to take my shower but also to ask if he’d come and check on me when he heard the shower turn off as I was realizing I wasn’t doing great and our shower is a deep jet tub so it takes good balance to get in and out. Sure enough, I did need Scott’s assistance getting out of the tub after my shower… it’s here where my emotions broke me. Sobbing in my husband’s arms in a towel. The high from last night of feeling FIERCE and sexy came crashing down to the low of needing assistance to do some of the most basic things. It’s also here that Scott helped me realize it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m doing good, I am still FIERCE. Look what I already accomplished today: some work, a blog post, a walk. I was killing it! Composing myself and not wanting to give in to what my body was telling me, I got ready for our evening.
We had a tasty homemade Mediterranean dinner with our neighbors (I could live off Tom’s hummus…like foodgasm good). We had a great time at the Nuggets game even though the Nuggets lost it in the last 5 minutes. I even tried not to notice that my gait, my limp, and my foot were getting more and more pronounced as the night went on.
Getting home after the game it was the first time since being prescribed them in October, I wanted to take my pain pill. Not for the drowsiness effect that helps me sleep (reference Sleep post from a couple days ago) but for the pain relief. We also found out I can double dip… motrin and the pain pill. They have different ingredients and can actually compliment each other nicely.
Sleep was still hard Wednesday night, even with the pills. The pain was real, soreness on all levels, giving me restless sleep.
Thursday: Fatigue still present but feeling better than Wednesday. Part of being FIERCE is also learning to Give Myself Grace. But then here I am not wanting to let my MS affect me, I threw in a couple loads of laundry, made a grocery list, started this post, worked for a few minutes before showering, and then headed out the door for an early lunch meeting for work.
We had a great meeting where I was able to hear about the new software we’re using for retouching and the new processes we want to put in place for this year to help us streamline our time. When I only work a couple hours a week dealing with mostly client scheduling and questions, it’s hard to stay in tune with the studio/photography side of the business.
After the meeting, I headed to the grocery store. Halfway through my list, I’m realizing again that my MS fatigue is present… not that it went away but that I’m losing the battle of keeping it at bay. I finished at the store, had Scott help me unload and put away groceries and then collapsed on the couch.
I had plans on going back to write this post, to continue with the laundry, to make dinner. None of those things happened. We ordered pizza, and Scott folded a couple of loads of laundry before going into low power mode himself before heading to his 10:15 game. Something I had given up on attending earlier in the day.
Last night (Thursday), after Scott left I took my pain/sleep pill and continued to watch one of my favorite shows, West Wing. It’s probably my 5th time watching. First time rewatching the series since getting my diagnosis. I landed on Season 6, episode 8 last night: In the Room. Where President Bartlet suffers an MS attack on his way to and during his trip to China. Where he losses the ability to move his hands and legs. Although fiction, this rings so true to me. I like him, have lesions on my spinal column (those lesions cause most, if not all, of my symptoms), so seeing him lose functionality hit hard.
The hope is that my brain learns to rewire around the lesions, but that won’t happen all the time… like this week where I’m struggling. These are the times that those wires revert back to the path they used for the past 42 years and hit the lesion, and because it’s on my spinal column, the loss of motor function is a real scare. So there may have been some tears last night as I watched the first episode of a several episode storyline unfold.
I was able to sleep last night… and for the first time in a long time, I slept until about 10. Was it uninterrupted, no, but it was restful.
Today, I started this post again, having not listened to myself fully yesterday. Today, Giving Myself theGrace to struggle, to rest, to listen, to reflect.
I know I said the other day that my coffee posts are turning into more of a diary/journal of sorts. So, thank you for reading. I hope you learn along with me as I walk this path.
As always: love, light, and happy cups today… and remember to Give Yourself Grace.
Late night shenanigans have me sluggish this morning, and I am thankful for my first cup.
A cup full of ❤️
It’s mid-February, and I’ve come up with my motto/ keyword for the year. I have never thought about having a word or even a motto. The concept has always seemed goofy to me… one word to describe your life, your path. But yet, this word has been floating around the past few weeks. In conversations with friends, in things I read, at my doctors appointments, plays and even tv shows I’ve watched.
FIERCE: being bold, strong, proud, and unapologetic in the way you choose to express yourself. Showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity.
Fate had yesterday be my acceptance of the word FIERCE. I bought a new dress for our Valentine’s Date Night. Dinner and a Burlesque Show. This isn’t a rare occurrence for us, and we would have gone anyway, so the fact that the show landed on the only day we could celebrate Valentine’s Day we decided to make it a full on date. We’re coming up on 15 years of marriage and 22ish years together, something we lacked for most of Ashlynn growing up was regular dates. We now try to do them regularly (1 to 2 times a month). Typically, one of us plans the date (we alternate who plans it) and then tells the other person what time to be ready. It’s fun having the anticipation of having the full attention of each other. We’ve even gone as far as knocking on a door to “pick up” the other for the date.
Let me tell you, as I was dressing for our date, the confidence was overwhelming. I typically feel self-conscious, focusing on my weight and my stomach, never feeling pretty. Last night, I let it go… feeling powerful, feeling FIERCE.
We had dinner at Colore. We forgot about reservations, but we were able to sit at a bar table, which worked better than maybe the normal tables. The hostess was so sweet, after we were seated in the bar, she had come back over to us and said she felt bad and we looked so nicely dressed up she could rearrange some reservations if we wanted a normal table instead. We thanked her and said the bar table worked great. We joked that dressing the part and being nice can sometimes get you free or better things. After a very tasty dinner of Chicken Marsala and Chicken Saltimbocca we headed to The Roxy on Broadway.
My view of Scott at dinnerHis view of me. We dubbed this picture, “Whose the pretty bird?” I had a mirror right next to me that I kept looking in. Valentine’s Date Night 💕 ❤️ 🌙
We love going to Kerri N Fuego’s productions. It’s been exactly a year since she produced her first burlesque show, and it has been awesome having really my first ish experience with burlesque coincide with her first productions. Back then, I may have been slightly intimidated seeing people be unapologeticaly themselves. Confident people doing amazing things. Being body positive and doing things they loved.
So last night when asked for volunteers… Kerri asked if I’d go on stage. I did ❤️.
BE CONFIDENT, BE BRAVE, BE BOLD, BEFIERCE
The 2 other volunteers… a non performing burlesque dancer who was there to support her friends and another audience member. The 2 of us non dancers competed for best lap dance. I definitely was not the best dancer between the 2 of us, but I was dressed the part. I won ❤️.
Who would have thought a year ago I would have done anything like that. A year ago, I had no scary MS diagnosis, no treatment plans, and doctor appointments. I just had no confidence. 5 months ago, I got my diagnosis and was struggling to walk up the stairs and was contemplating a cane and definitely not feeling confident. I was depressed and super scared of life and death.
Now, here I am in 4-inch heels, fishnet stockings, and a dress that gave off Jessica Rabbit vibes volunteering to be on stage and dance. FIERCE. I think this is where I am realizing that I need to be bold and live life fully. Embracing the fun, not shying away from it as tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I don’t know if or when I’ll struggle with walking again. My hope is that if it happens, I’ll have the confidence to continue to do the things that bring me joy. The past year of us going to burlesque, I’ve seen so many people embrace their differences, their bodies, their disabilities and be unapologeticaly themselves. Don’t get me wrong… will I be a burlesque performer… no. But will I let go of my insecurities that hold me back… yes. Will that happen all the time… no… as it’s a hard habit to unlearn.
Remember this from last year… Do More Of What Makes You Happy.
For now: I’ll remember to be fierce in belief, in joy, in compassion, in commitment, in intelligence, in wit, and in community. Be FIERCE and enjoy your cups today.
