Late night shenanigans have me sluggish this morning, and I am thankful for my first cup.
It’s mid-February, and I’ve come up with my motto/ keyword for the year. I have never thought about having a word or even a motto. The concept has always seemed goofy to me… one word to describe your life, your path. But yet, this word has been floating around the past few weeks. In conversations with friends, in things I read, at my doctors appointments, plays and even tv shows I’ve watched.
FIERCE: being bold, strong, proud, and unapologetic in the way you choose to express yourself. Showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity.
Fate had yesterday be my acceptance of the word FIERCE. I bought a new dress for our Valentine’s Date Night. Dinner and a Burlesque Show. This isn’t a rare occurrence for us, and we would have gone anyway, so the fact that the show landed on the only day we could celebrate Valentine’s Day we decided to make it a full on date. We’re coming up on 15 years of marriage and 22ish years together, something we lacked for most of Ashlynn growing up was regular dates. We now try to do them regularly (1 to 2 times a month). Typically, one of us plans the date (we alternate who plans it) and then tells the other person what time to be ready. It’s fun having the anticipation of having the full attention of each other. We’ve even gone as far as knocking on a door to “pick up” the other for the date.
Let me tell you, as I was dressing for our date, the confidence was overwhelming. I typically feel self-conscious, focusing on my weight and my stomach, never feeling pretty. Last night, I let it go… feeling powerful, feeling FIERCE.
We had dinner at Colore. We forgot about reservations, but we were able to sit at a bar table, which worked better than maybe the normal tables. The hostess was so sweet, after we were seated in the bar, she had come back over to us and said she felt bad and we looked so nicely dressed up she could rearrange some reservations if we wanted a normal table instead. We thanked her and said the bar table worked great. We joked that dressing the part and being nice can sometimes get you free or better things. After a very tasty dinner of Chicken Marsala and Chicken Saltimbocca we headed to The Roxy on Broadway.
We dubbed this picture, “Whose the pretty bird?” I had a mirror right next to me that I kept looking in.
We love going to Kerri N Fuego’s productions. It’s been exactly a year since she produced her first burlesque show, and it has been awesome having really my first ish experience with burlesque coincide with her first productions. Back then, I may have been slightly intimidated seeing people be unapologeticaly themselves. Confident people doing amazing things. Being body positive and doing things they loved.
So last night when asked for volunteers… Kerri asked if I’d go on stage. I did ❤️.
BE CONFIDENT, BE BRAVE, BE BOLD, BE FIERCE
The 2 other volunteers… a non performing burlesque dancer who was there to support her friends and another audience member. The 2 of us non dancers competed for best lap dance. I definitely was not the best dancer between the 2 of us, but I was dressed the part. I won ❤️.
Who would have thought a year ago I would have done anything like that. A year ago, I had no scary MS diagnosis, no treatment plans, and doctor appointments. I just had no confidence. 5 months ago, I got my diagnosis and was struggling to walk up the stairs and was contemplating a cane and definitely not feeling confident. I was depressed and super scared of life and death.
Now, here I am in 4-inch heels, fishnet stockings, and a dress that gave off Jessica Rabbit vibes volunteering to be on stage and dance. FIERCE. I think this is where I am realizing that I need to be bold and live life fully. Embracing the fun, not shying away from it as tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I don’t know if or when I’ll struggle with walking again. My hope is that if it happens, I’ll have the confidence to continue to do the things that bring me joy. The past year of us going to burlesque, I’ve seen so many people embrace their differences, their bodies, their disabilities and be unapologeticaly themselves. Don’t get me wrong… will I be a burlesque performer… no. But will I let go of my insecurities that hold me back… yes. Will that happen all the time… no… as it’s a hard habit to unlearn.
For now: I’ll remember to be fierce in belief, in joy, in compassion, in commitment, in intelligence, in wit, and in community. Be FIERCE and enjoy your cups today.