This is a non coffee post

Today was the first day back at work. For those of you that don’t know. I’m a retail manager. Colorado decided it was okay to start curbside for retail today. My company, I think more for trying to get their people paid again more than the sales, which I applaud them for, decided that they’d open.

My anxiety has been fairly high the past couple weeks as more and more realizations of what life would look like after the initial stay at home order was to be lifted. I’ve always had issues with change and it’s a weakness that has guided some decisions and fears over the years. I also had my first panic attack about 5 years ago due to being in a crowd. I’ve learned deep breathing techniques and I mentally prepare myself on my way to something that there will be crowds. It works 98% of the time. It’s also left me open for other kinds of panic attacks too. I’ve broken down a few times in the past few weeks and definitely over the weekend as I tried to prepare myself.

That brings me to today… I cried waking up and again as I put on my shoes to head to the car. I was tense driving to work… definitely not an ideal situation as a driver… however my mom and I prayed over the phone on my drive and I was okayish. Got to work and broke down in hysterics in the car as I saw another employee walk in because I had mentally prepared for just 2 people in the store not 3. I put on my mask and went in. I calmed down over an hour in. My hunched shoulders and internal emotions never went away. I silently panicked… couldn’t breathe and was beyond hot from claustrophobia a few times in my day. There was one conversation with my boss that it felt like ‘the old days’ but that was fleeting as he was fidgeting with his own mask.

We sanitize the store 4 times in the 8 hours we’re open one of many new procedures. All of which are neccessary for less contamination and for staff piece of mind.

We had a few curbside guests today. All of whom were polite.

Upon getting home I did immediately put my clothes and mask in the washer. I then hoped in the shower where I bawled and let the water just take away the sense of not being clean. I’m emotionally and physically drained and after being home for over 3 hours I still feel the mask on my face…more so even.

I’m writing this not for you to feel sorry for me but realize that there might be people in your life who also are struggling with what this new reality, new days look like. Or maybe you are trying to figure out what it looks like as you prepare to go back to work yourself. This is our new normal for awhile. We won’t see or be exposed to the virus as much as the other industries that have been open throughout the span of the virus, but we still have that anxiety and fear of the public and who might be sick and discomfort of donning a new attire as we start back into work.

I’ve been wearing a mask for any errands but the wearing for hours on end like today caused more panic and ache than I was prepared for. My employer is requiring masks constantly and gloves too. I took off my engagement ring this morning before I left knowing that it would poke through the gloves… something I learned the week before the store shutdown… also another cause for sadness.

We are all going to have different levels of okay. For some, masks might not bother them, others it might cause panic. Each one of us is going to find where our comfort level is. For some it might mean a career switch, for others it might be continuing to remote work even after their office opens back up.

I’m not sure how I’m going to find the strength for tomorrow or the day after that and maybe I won’t and that’s okay too… and maybe what I’m learning is it’s okay not to be ready.

Ok, that’s it for today… more a diary post than anything else.

Love to all of you