What follows is my grief poured into words…

My Dear Lewis,

I wish I had reached out more often. I wish I was better at inviting you over for dinner. I wish we had hung out more. You are gone and my heart hurts. Gone. I want to text you and hear your voice in the reply, as you know I do. Gone. I want another hug… always another hug. Because then this wouldn’t be real. Your gone and I want… To hear you laugh. To hear the sarcasm in your voice as you joke and as we make fun of each other. I want to talk adamantly about hockey with you because we’ll never agree that the Avalanche are better than the Islanders. I want to try the different scotch’s and whiskey’s you’d find and bring over… not that my pallet liked me trying but now that’s what I want… one more drink with you.

You gave selflessly. You made me laugh when I desperately needed it. I don’t think I ever thanked you for the comfort you gave me all these years. The nights at Denny’s when I couldn’t/wouldn’t eat and instead just bounced up and down in the booth. You never minded being the third wheel all those months as Scott and I started our relationship and it eased my mind you being there as I wasn’t ready. The many times of letting Scott borrow your car even the crazy early morning times. The timeshare in Vail. The Peacemakers show when I was an emotional wreak and got horribly sick in your car. The countless pool games you tried to teach me and you never got frustrated at my poor form. I wish we had hung out more in recent years besides the yearly parties at our house, Peacemakers shows and sporadic sushi nights. 

I want you back, I want to tell you all these things and how much you mean to me. How much of an indent you made on my life. I wish I had known you were sick, I wish I’d spoken to you and gone all momma-like and scolded you into going to the hospital. Not that your stubbornness would have listened. This sucks. I’m so angry at this stupid virus and at society for allowing it to get this far. I’m tired of hearing it isn’t that bad, it’s not that big of a deal… we’re young it doesn’t affect us. IT DOES, DAMN IT! You’re gone. I want more time. You deserved more time. You deserved to find the girl who would love you harder than you loved her. I’m pretty sure she would have been the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you my friend, I miss you and I’ll strive to give selflessly like you.

Please don’t be… I wish you weren’t… Gone.

Always,

Corrine